How Do I Build My Confidence?
How do I apply for my dream job?
How do I talk to girls?
How do I talk to guys?
How do I make new friends?
How do I feel better about myself?
I get asked these questions all of the time and while I use different tools and help my clients in all types of different ways, one of the most important things I can do to help them, is to make them realize that things aren’t always as they appear.
Your perspective is going to have a huge influence on how you navigate through life. Most people don’t even realize how much your confidence can be affected by your perceptions. If you’re always looking for ways that you’re not measuring up to other people or reasons why you could fail, then you’re always going to find ways that you’re not good enough, but here is the tricky part…You might be wrong! In fact, there is a very good chance that you are.
Stay with me here…
It’s really hard to be fair when you’re comparing two people. We’re all familiar with the expression “it’s like comparing apples and oranges”. How could we possibly be fair about comparing two things that are each really great in their own distinct way? People have so many different qualities, it would be impossible to measure them all and put them side by side. Think about all of the different ways just to measure success and then think about all of the different answers you would get if you were to ask someone what being successful means to them.
If you were to interview different hiring managers, they would all be looking for different employee qualities and choosing the best fit for their business, and that doesn’t necessarily mean the applicant with the best resume, the highest grades, or the most experience. Sometimes they choose to hire based on shared goals, values, or who they had the best rapport with. Relationships tend to function the same way. We don’t necessarily choose the partner that is the smartest, best looking, or most popular, we tend to look for these qualities, but usually end up with partners that spark certain feelings inside of us.
When you’re choosing the people in your life, what qualities are you looking for?
It’s interesting that we’re all seeking out different qualities in people as well as striving for different goals. Some people might tell you that they feel successful when they have a lot of friends, for some people it’s having a big house or fancy car, for some people it’s reclaiming their health, having a relationship, being single, being independent, traveling the world, being famous, feeling attractive, looking physically fit, having a higher education, being able to help others, etc… It all comes down to a matter of different wants, needs, goals, and difference of opinion, which makes things even harder to measure and to be proven as truth.
What does success mean to you?
While you’re busy looking at someone else and thinking of all of the qualities that make them so amazing, someone else could be looking at the exact same person and thinking that they aren’t all that great. Opinions can be tricky that way. While you’re judging yourself and feeling like you’re not good enough, there could be someone looking up to you and wishing that they could be more like you. I know that can feel hard to believe at times, but think about how many people you’ve looked up to and never told. There is a very good chance that your personal idol also has their own moments of self doubt and insecurity too. When we’re looking at other people, it’s important to remember that what we see on the outside doesn’t always match with what is happening on the inside.
As you’re looking at yourself and you’re forming opinions about other people, you have a choice. You can choose to compare yourself to someone else, but one of you will end up coming out on top while the other person is being put down. In that scenario, someone always loses. Your other option is to choose to always see the good in people and always choose to look for the good in yourself. If you find a quality that you think is inspiring in someone else, then use that inspiration to work on growing into a better version of yourself. In that scenario, everyone wins!
What are some of your favorite qualities about yourself?
As human beings, we’re natural story tellers. Did you know that our eyes don’t even see everything that is in front of us? Our eyes see fragments of what is in front of us and our brains fill in the rest of the details to create a full picture. It’s actually pretty crazy to think about! When we form an opinion about something, we are constantly looking for more information to support that opinion and fill in the rest of the story. That means that if you’re feeling like you’re not good enough or people don’t like you, then as you’re going through your day and receiving information through all of your senses, you’re going to be filtering out certain information and holding on to the information that matches your story. Your brain is constantly getting overloaded with incoming messages so it has no choice but to let go of certain information that it doesn’t feel is important.
Maybe you walk past someone on the street and when they look at you, they have a bad look on their face. If you’re already feeling like people don’t like you, then your story could be that they were giving you a dirty look because they don’t like you. If you didn’t already have the belief that people don’t like you, then you might not notice the look at all or you might just think that the person is having a rough day. Your interpretation of the event is going to change depending on what your preexisting beliefs are.
What is a belief that you have that might not be true?
I know that it can be challenging to break old habits and start shifting your beliefs when you’ve been convinced that the old story was true for so long. A great way to start creating a new story and break free from the old one is by using positive affirmations. There are so many different affirmations that you can search for online or you can choose to make up an affirmation that feels good to you.
One of my all time favorite affirmations for myself has always been, “I meet wonderful people everywhere I go”. This affirmation has been with me for so long, I can’t even remember when I started using it. I’m not even sure if the wonderful people came first or the affirmation did, but at some point in my life, it became true that I always meet wonderful people and that affirmation has continued to stay with me.
What is one area of your life that you feel a positive affirmation could be beneficial?
If you’re in a really difficult place in your life and you’re having a hard time using positive affirmations because you feel like you are lying to yourself, then come up with something that feels good to you. A great affirmation I like to use for people that are struggling with feeling positive is, “small changes lead to big changes”. Once you start to make those small shifts, you can adjust your affirmation to something like “now that I’m starting to adjust my thinking, life is starting to feel easier”. You may choose to focus on one affirmation per day or you may choose to repeat the same one for as long as you feel that you need it.
Figure out what works best for you, there is no right or wrong way to use this tool. Think of it as starting to plant a positive seed and make sure that you continue to give it attention and enough time to grow. Your confidence has to start with you. Do not look to other people to give you confidence. That is a really easy way to give away your power. If you’re wanting to build it, stop comparing yourself to other people and stop focusing on your weaknesses. I know that this can be challenging when you’re just getting started, so if you’re wanting some extra help you can check out my services or book a complimentary consultation with me.
What story would you like to create for yourself instead?
When you stop and think about how many people there are living on this earth, it’s pretty incredible to think that there is only one you. You are irreplaceable! Explore your gifts, focus on your strengths, challenge yourself to grow in areas that you don’t feel strong in. When you start shifting your focus to qualities that you’re proud of, you will also start attracting people into your life that will appreciate those qualities too.
You’re not alone in your doubts. You’re not alone in your insecurities. You’re not alone in your fears. It’s completely normal for those things to creep in sometimes, but when they do and you’re feeling like you’re not good enough to do what you want to do, I want you to remember that you’re just trusting your perception and although it may feel true and it may feel real, I am telling you that without a shadow of a doubt in my mind, “You’re wrong! You are good enough, even if you can’t see it just yet”.
It’s time to start rewriting your story and it starts with: